The Yoga of War - a satire by John Spiri

The Yoga of War - A Satire

by John Spiri

MOOOOOOOOOO...

I have traveled across the planet to present to you the teachings of the Venerable Paramahasana Rumseldananda, a master of the yoga of war. Rumsfeldananda's lineage predates the Vikings and assorted mercenaries of ancient times. They passed secret rituals from slave ship captain to slave ship captain, and were perfected by Columbus. Now thanks to technology they travel around the world more freely. They develop bombs to bring peace, prosperty, and dominance for military elites.

First I will teach you some basic asanas or yoga postures. Please stand.

Here's the strangle-the-leaders-of-other-countries posture. Try it. Grit your teeth. But be sure to only use it on non-Rumsfeldananda (mooo) countries. Next try the drop-bombs-on-undisclosed-arab-targets pose. It may also be used on pests such as North Korea.

Now let us try basic pranayama, or yogic breathing. Basically, breathe in hate - breathe out anger. It is very simple: just breathe in hate and breathe out anger over and over. When your thinking is numb, you have reached a good yogic state.

The Yoga of War involves many powerful, mind-manipulating mantras. Here is an auspicious one:
	We will kill your leader
	The UN is irrelevant
	Saddam tried to kill my daddy
	Resistence is futile... Mooo
Visualization is a powerful way to get results. So please close your eyes and imagine the scene I describe as clearly as possible:
	Bombs are raining down on an undisclosed Arab country. Imagine brave, good-guy generals and high-ranking 
	officers dealing with all sorts of hardships to make the world free: large scale demonstrations for peace, 
	broken-down air conditioners at mission control centres, al Jazeera counting the dead civilians and 
	showing pictures of their mutilations, deaths, and broken lives, President Jaques Chirac . . .  
Vividly imagine everything getting bombed — soldiers, ancient mountain caves, water treatment plants, the Chinese embassies — imagine rivers of blood, children screaming and mothers crying . . . and at the same time, imagine the well-fed families of a big weapons manufacturer, all of them licking sweet Haägendas ice cream while on a Disney vacation, patriotic flags flopping in the breeze.

The yoga of war also utilizes many old-fashioned curses:
	Double, double trouble and toil
	Get a new leader or we will take your OIL!
The Yoga of War has also uncovered the original, more devious lyrics to John Lenon's classic about peace. It went:
	Everyone's talking 'bout bombing Baghdad, Tripoli, the Lebanese, and Sudanese . . . 
	All we are saying is give war a chance. 
Yes indeed! After all, what else is there to say? All the peacenik, hippie, commie, faggots just never really gave war a proper chance. Argh - it jest ain't fair!

We all know Saddam is really super-evil. Da Bush Boy has told us this. Of course, ten years ago, before he suddenly became evil, Daddy George Bush and Donald Duck Rumsfeld were his best friends. They often met 'n mated while chatting about golf scores, fashion trends, and best way to make poison gas. That's right, Rumsfeldanada (mooo) actually sold him poison gas and weapons to kill his own people and to attack Iran. Of course they never meant for him to kill innocent people; they had been informed that Baghdad had a very bad cockroach problem.

Speaking of evil, I read that Osama bin Laden is being treated for depression. After all, he was tops on the world stage, the world's most hated man, hiding in caves, making secretly encoded videos that the US subsequently needed to censor to protect our precious freedoms such as free speech. Now where is he? Who is he? The bounty on his head is just a fraction of Saddam's! And when was the last time you heard Sharon threatening to liquidate him?

Evil people like Saddam and bin Laden kill innocent people, but Rumseldanada's (mooo) don't. Yep I know, I know, there have been some reports from the ultra-liberal, leftist, commie media about Afghans and Iraqis being killed while celebrating weddings. Clearly, the guests were to blame. They never should have been exploding those champagne corks. POP! POP! That left "our boys" no alternative other than to annhilate the revelers. And don't believe those reports about Rumsfeldananda's (mooo) weapons causing cancer or Gulf War syndrome — no research has ever proven that weapons made from nuclear waste (such as depleted uranium weapons) cause any cancer.

MOOOOOOOOO...

It's an upside world.

[ p. 79 ]